Sunday 3 February 2019

Thoughts of travel

I think about travelling probably an unhealthy amount. I’d like to think that it was part of a passion to see every inch of the world and to immerse myself in different cultures and I think to a large extent it is. However, I also think it’s the desire to get away. At 21 I’m already scared of getting old, of not being able to do and see everything I want to, I know how short life is and it scares me, it’s a fear that few understand. 
Nobody’s stopped me from going and travelling the world, booking that plane ticket, although that doesn’t mean that they have doubted my ability to achieve it, knocking me into a sense of self-doubt. Sometimes I picture myself with a backpack and my phone loading google maps and thinking “I’m doing it, I’m actually doing it” but I’m starting to feel myself slipping into this routine that we’re conditioned to of getting a job, getting a house etc.. and the more I catch myself looking at rent prices, the further I feel myself slipping away from the life I truly want, the life I’d planned to make happen years ago. 

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it on this blog before but my favourite place is always by the sea. The world is so chaotic and although the nearest beach here is probably about an hour from the city, it seems like a world apart. It provides a sense of calm and I find myself looking for that more. It’s about £8 on a bus here to get to the beach, I think about doing it so many times but I never do. I’m scared of going alone but I’m also scared of relying on someone else. My partner isn’t into travel as much as me so I wouldn’t expect him to just think of going to the beach as a date and I can’t blame him for that. I saw a quote once from a girl who had travelled the world “if I waited for others to come with me I’d never go anywhere”. This year I’m determined to find the courage to do the things I want even if it means doing them alone, not because I necessarily want to do them alone but because it’s the only way I’ll be able to. 
Anxiety often makes this difficult but I don’t want to let it stop me. Earlier this month I went to an all day festival with a friend from work, it felt odd at first not having my boyfriend there with me who would know what to do if I had a panic attack, who always sensed when I was getting anxious, I got through it though and I was proud of myself for doing so, I’m hoping it’ll give me the push I needed.

This year I’m hoping to visit some friends at university, I might even go abroad by myself (it seems a little far off at the moment though). I know that I can’t wait for others to come with me, I’ve lost count of the amount of years that I’ve told myself I’d do it anyway, I’m starting to trust myself that soon I will, I think there’s a point in everyone’s life where they realise that it’s only them that can make their dreams happen. I’m starting to feel like soon it will be my time. 

J x